Sunday, December 11, 2005

Weapons of Mass Beer Destruction

Category: [in English] [Lowlands Soul] [Satire]

Flemish beer is like French wine. Every village used to have its own brewery and by natural fermentation (more or less), its particular ingredients and production methods, each local beer acquired a unique taste.

The Dutch and the Americans are good at marketing, and that’s why glorified water like Heineken and Bud Light made it into the global market. These liquid insults are just like making love in a canoo: f*cking close to water.
Real connoisseurs know better. The Flemish invented beer and they still are the best making it.

One of those local breweries, De Kluis (The Vault), is situated in the Flemish Brabant village Hoegaarden, somewhat east of Leuven (Louvain).
But not for long any more. It will be slaughtered soon on the altar of globalization.
In beer-drinking circles, Belgium is reputed to have one of the most interesting, varied, and high-quality selections of beer in the world. In fact, Michael Jackson wrote a book devoted entirely to the beers of Belgium. Yet we tend to be about as aware of Belgium’s beer as we are of the country in general.

Why? Well, some of the things I’ve read about Belgium suggest that while Belgians are very open-minded, live-and-let-live people who place high priority on education, quality of life, and, of course, good beer, the national character is a humble one, with little nationalistic pride and an aversion to risk.

In short, Belgium doesn’t really advertise itself a lot.

(The Beer Belly)

Hoegaarden beer is wheat-based, white and somewhat sour. It keeps on fermenting in the bottle, which gives it a murky aspect when poured in the glass. The glass itself looks more like a jar than like a plain beer glass. Nobody is supposed to drink Hoegaarden out of a mundane pilsner glass. It is served often with a slice of lemon for those who want to enhance the heavenly sour like taste of this divine drink. Not being sweet, females avoid it, and it’s only enjoyed by real men. In a cheering spirit of multicultural Beer Diversity, De Kluis also shares its Grand Cru and Delirium Tremens.

The beer lost a lot of its personality when the local Hoegaarden brewery De Kluis was taken over by industrial Belgian beer giant Stella Artois, later called Interbrew, - when it started to streamline its brewing and business operations, effectively becoming a Weapon of Malt Destruction.

They did so with many local breweries in the past (included Leffe), whose owners couldn’t resist the tempting Euro signs in Interbrew’s eyes, thereby denying the very beer culture fundamentals of Flemish Society. Not to mention pale tasteless copycats like Occidental Flanders’ Brugs Tarwebier. The Saxons near the Flemish coast should stick to doing what they are best at, that is sell shrimps and overcharge daytrip tourists.

Globalization is the buzzword, and Interbrew merged not too long ago with a large Brazilian beer holding, calling itself Inbev from then on. Bigger is better apparently, but not for beer. Inbev decided very recently to close down its facilities in the village of Hoegaarden, and move the production of Hoegaarden beer to a barbarian industrial mass production plant somewhere in darkest corners of corrupt and collectivist Wallonia. All in the name of cost management, thereby ignoring the self-evident truth that real beer is priceless.

Beerophobia and Human Rights

In a parade, organized by the Hoegaarden village officials, 3,000 locals and noble beer lovers rallied yesterday against the move. Their interests might be somewhat self-vested, that is to save local employment, but in the name of Western Civilization and True Beer Values, we can’t simply indulge in such a profane beer-defamation in the name of a barbarian globalization.

As we go from ‘Biggest to Best,’ we at Inbev recognize that we cannot be the best unless we do it in a manner which is both responsible and transparent.

(Inbev CEO, John Brock)

Yeah right, think global, act local. Save Hoegaarden, and you can also sign the petition there.
Let's just call a Fatwah against the beer-hating infidel scoundrels of Inbev and start a beer-Jihad.


Save Hoegaarden (in Dutch), the official Jihadists
The Oxford Bottled Beer Database on Hoegaarden
The Beer Belly on Hoegaarden
TheBackPacker on Hoegaarden
OnlyFineBeer on Hoegaarden, and for sale too
Brave New World on Hoegaarden Grand Cru
The Beer Hunter on Hoegaarden


Blogger Karel Jansens said...

1. I thought Ugh invented beer (or some other ancient fellow). Granted, it was the Flemish who made the stuff drinkable.

2. Instead of going all Islamic on Inbev's ass, why not start a grassroots movement to brew a /proper/ Hoegaarden again? The name may be copyrighted, but I'm sure the formula isn't. Set up a small brewery, financed by enthousiasts, and produce beer.

10:29 PM  
Blogger Skender said...

1) Is Delirium Tremens brewed by Inbev? I thought it was a beer from huyghe in Melle (near Ghent)

2) There is a "proper" Hoegaarden: it's called "Celis white". It was brewed in Austin Texas by Piere Celis afther he sold "de Kluis" to Interbrew. When he retired, Celis sold his brewery in Texas to Miller. Van Steenberge (bios) has a license to brew it in Flanders. Van Steenberge also sels "Manneken Pis" which i believe is the same beer as Celis white.

11:12 PM  
Anonymous Fustigator said...

You forgot the marvelous trappist beers, which are 7 in total, 6 in Belgium (three in Flanders and three in Wallonia) and one in south-Holland.

One sort is of a therapeutic great value in the mental disease called MKS, a syndrome which afflicts fortunately a very small) part of humanity

For details see :

Fight Beeroclasm and beeroclasts!

Fusti (zythosophist, cephalo-tyrologist, President of the Most Famous College of WTT-therapists, president of the Commission for the exact spelling of the Name of the Owl,Dulieu-exegete and MKS-expert).

5:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hoegaarden was in the bishopric of Liège for many years, as well as half of the actual flanders. So when you say the flemish invented beer, I laught out loud.

It's almost impossible to say where beer was invented and if that city was in "flanders" or in another territory.

Instead of saying stupidities, you could be prout to be belgian and be prout that beer is a typical BELGIAN product.

8:39 PM  
Anonymous Karel Jansens said...

"'Prout' to be Belgian"!

But of course we are...

10:51 PM  
Blogger VH said...

Well I feel so proud most of the time, but I didn't know why. I'm so happy now to know it's because I'm... YES! Belgian!

3:15 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Karel Jansens said...
"'Prout' to be Belgian"!

But of course we are...

10:51 PM

Oh Charel...
You naughty little boy...

Your Proutly E.

11:30 PM  
Blogger Alaphia said...

The reference to the canoe made me laugh.

10:53 AM  

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